Domestic Violence:  Four Corners Program On Changing Men

In preparing my thesis at the end of my Master of Counselling degree I found that research shows that sometimes (most) anger management programs produce short-term gains and when follow-up is done a year or so later these gains have all but disappeared.

Most programs teach that men abuse because of power and control issues, that it is part of our patriarchal culture that supports the domination and oppression of women.  Abuser programs fail because they focus on negative attitudes, rather the core hurts that cause them.  What is needed is to put men (and women) in touch with their compassion.

Another failure of traditional abuser programs is the shaming approach and their ignorance of how people change.  Doing this can make core hurts worse and increase the likelihood that anger will escalate putting partners in greater danger.  Confronting people with your superior values does not change them.  People are changed by appealing to their deeper values.  This is the core value approach of the Anger Management & Domestic Violence (Compassion) Program.

What you need to understand is that meaningful change comes from within you.  You can tap into your great inner resources by re-integrating your deepest values into your sense of self.  This will make you feel more powerful than you ever felt before, and make you feel more valuable, loving, and compassionate to yourself and loved ones. 

Anger Management: Will It Work For Me?

Anger management skills are not rocket science and will work exceptionally well.  However, for them to work exceptionally well requires participants to be motivated to change.  Motivation to change is a vital requirement in learning any new skill, particularly for anger management. If your motivation is low or non-existent then it is very unlikely any new skills will be learned, no matter how good the information is or how well it is presented.

The skills taught in the Anger Management (Compassion) Program require motivation to learn the
new skills and, equally importantly, putting those skills into action in your daily life.  Knowledge without action is useless.

Additionally, recognising that there are behaviours that are not working well in your life and relationships and a desire to learn new and improved behaviours that do work well and will enhance all aspects of your life is the start to change.

One key skill taught in the Anger Management (Compassion) Program is emotional intelligence (EQ) which is a predictor of how well you will do in life, even more so than Intellectual Intelligence (IQ).

Smart emotions make you in charge of your emotions instead of being controlled by them.  You become an actor in your life instead of a reactor.  If you allow your emotions to be in control instead of you, they will ruin your life.  Smart emotions are a vital part of anger management.

When you learn the skills of how to regulate your own emotions you can decide how your day is going to be in advance.  If you don't have the skills to regulate your emotions, you do not know how your day is going to be until you start to interact with your environment. 

If everything and everyone is how you want them to be, your day will be okay, however, if everything and other people are not how you want them to be, your day will be stressful and full of anger and resentment.

If anger and resentment are frequent or daily experiences for you then it is very likely that this will lead to severe health problems and relationship difficulties and often relationship failure.

If problem anger and domestic violence is creating havoc in yours and your families life, you owe it to yourself and your family to check out The Compassionate Approach to anger management and domestic violence and see how others have successfully changed their behaviour so that they act in their long-term best interest and in the long-term best interest of their families.

There are possible negative consequences for clients who receive counselling under the Medicare Allied Health System.

Before anyone can receive counselling from a Psychologist under this system they have to be referred by a GP and be diagnosed with a "Mental Illness".  Once someone has been diagnosed as mentally ill this is kept on their medical record until they die, even if the emotional problem, diagnosed as a "Mental Illness" was just a brief event.

Frequently people with a Mental Illness are stigmatised and experience discrimination.  This discrimination could impact on their ability to get work, and any possible Work Cover claims could be blamed on their "mental illness".  Insurance claims could be compromised, or their ability to get insurance in the first place could be denied or be more expensive.

It is my experience that people seek counselling for personal, interpersonal or social reasons.  If they do have a mental illness that illness is usually managed by their Psychiatrist.  I do not believe that a person needs to be diagnosed with anything to receive and benefit from counselling.  A diagnosis does not help in any way with their counselling issues.

Research says that the factors accounting for change in counselling are: Client Factors 40%, Relationship Factors 30% (between the counsellor and client), Hope & Expectancy 15%, Model & Technique used 15%.  Diagnosis does not contribute to a successful outcome in counselling.

It may or may not be less expensive to see a Psychologist rather then a Professional Counsellor under this system (unless the Psychologist is bulk billing, a client still has to pay the difference between the Medicare rebate and the Psychologist fee), but there could be a high price to pay in the future if this diagnosis is used against them.

An article in today's Courier Mail newspaper says that "Mental Illness remains a taboo subject for many people, although it touches the lives of most Australians,"...... "there is still a clear reluctance in the community to trust individuals with a mental illness in decision-making roles or in roles where reliability is paramount."  To read article click here.  

The danger with male anger is that when you have no way to express vulnerable emotions, anger is going to come out as aggression a lot more.  Being able to deal with negative/vulnerable emotions without anger is a valuable skill. 

Most women have at least a girlfriend they can call up and say “I’m feeling really bad about myself, everything I touch turns to crap” and the girlfriend will understand.  So just talking to her friend makes her feel better.

Now how many men have a male friend they can call and say “I feel really bad about myself” and then feel better?  You might do it but you’re not generally going to feel better if you do.  Men don’t even know how to respond to that. 

Men generally have three ways of dealing with difficulties in their lives.  They get drunk, get laid, or they watch football.  Now all these activities can certainly distract men from the difficulties they are experiencing in the short term, but do nothing to relieve the underlying issues in the long term if they are feeling really bad about themselves.

A lot of men cannot even talk about their vulnerable feelings with a girlfriend, so if you can’t do it with anyone, you are probably going to have an anger problem, which will show up as either anger or depression.

Vulnerable feelings have to be expressed and communicated, and someone has to understand.  There used to be a myth that you had to express anger, in fact, expressing anger just makes you angrier because you are reinforcing the anger.  All those vulnerable emotions are coming out in anger, and you’re just making it more likely to occur.

However, you do need to express the core hurts underlying the anger, self-regulate them, and tell them to someone important to you.  That is how human beings are; we have to have an internal way to regulate anger and a social way also, because we are social animals.

Core hurts are feeling disregarded, unimportant, accused, guilty, distrusted, devalued, rejected, powerless, and unlovable.  When these happen you need the skills to re-connect to your Core Value.  Core Value is a deep sense of how important, valuable, and worthy you are.

You do not determine how valuable you are by how many people love you, or value you because that is going to depend on how good these people are at loving.  When you judge how lovable you are by how somebody else loves you, it is like judging yourself by a mirror.  What determines how accurate the mirror is how much love that person got as a child.  Something you have no control over.

It is only your own behaviour that reflects your Core Value, and especially your compassionate behaviour.  So if your Core Value is low, it is not other people’s behaviour that is going to bring it up, it is your own compassion that is going to bring it up.  Your sense of security, wellbeing, self-esteem, competence, creativity, and personal power comes from your Core Value.

When your Core Value is low, you will do things that are not in your best interest.  You are likely to hurt yourself, or hurt other people.

When your Core Value is high, you will only act in your best interest, and it is impossible to hurt yourself, or hurt other people.  You cannot be abusive, and it is very hard to be abused when your Core Value is high.  It can only occur during a temporary disconnection from Core Value.

When you let your Core Hurts rule your life, your sense of self becomes a monument to that other person’s abuse, or carelessness, or thoughtlessness.

Your sense of self is far too important, and too valuable to be a monument to somebody else’s mistakes.  You have to take control of your sense of self, and heal the hurt that has been inflicted on you.

Mega Family Fun Day in Warwick Saturday, 26 May 2007

This day, sponsored by the Warwick Strategy Group Domestic & Family Violence Prevention, QLD Domestic & Family Prevention Service, & the Department of Communities, was a long time in the planning, about six months.  The purpose of the day was to celebrate healthy family life as part of raising awareness about the impact of domestic violence in our community.

The month leading up to the day was promoted heavily in the local Warwick Daily News, poster displays and any other method we could think of.  As a result of this combined effort I have to say the day was fun and well attended by hundreds of families.

The opening procession, led by our very elegant clowns, proceeded down Palmerin Street, the main street of Warwick, to Leslie Park.

Bette, one of the organising committee introduced the Mayor Ron Bellingham who gave the official opening speech.

This is my information stand.

One of the most popular attractions for the children was the Shrek Jumping Castle.  There was a line up most of the day.

Other photos of the day are below:

Amnesty Internationals Banner: Stop Violence Against Women

And the Organising Hub Stand

 The Warwick community did themselves proud supporting the day and making it such a success.

Professional Training Course

A few months ago I was invited to give a one day professional training course on the Compassion Program and a half-day professional training course on Resentment by Whitsunday Community Services at Cannonvale Queensland Australia.  My self-limiting beliefs up to now have stopped me from pursuing professional presentations.

I have to tell you that over the years I have joined Toastmasters a number of times and never attended again after the first visit, although the last time I joined I did stay long enough to give one speech.  I have been absolutely terrified of public speaking.  I have felt for many years that this fear has significantly limited my potential and my personal growth.

So upon receiving the invitation my self-limiting beliefs came rushing back and negative thoughts flooded my mind.  However, I believed this was such an excellent opportunity for my professional and personal growth I could not possibly turn down the opportunity.

In the time up to the training courses on the 9th and 10th of May 2007 I worked hard preparing both the presentations and even harder on my limiting beliefs using affirmations, emotional freedom techniques, and my partner even practiced her hypnosis on me.

The day of the training course finally arrived.  I had woken up before 3 am and could not go back to sleep so I was surprised that I felt much calmer than I thought I would be, though still nervous about standing before my peers and wondering what they would think of me.

The first day passed satisfactorily, although I felt I did not connect with a few of the participants as well as I would have liked to and that showed up in the evaluation at the end of the presentation on the Compassion Program.  I had listed 5 learning outcomes on the evaluation form where participants were asked to scale 1 to 10 how well each of the learning objectives were covered, where 1 = Not at all well and 10 = Extremely well.  The overall score was 52.29%

At the second days training on Resentment I could feel a distinct difference in the level of connection I had with the participants and this showed on the evaluation forms with an overall score of 88.95%

I really appreciated the honest feedback I received from the participants.  It helped me to modify my training a little and be more open and relaxed and it will help me to revamp the professional training courses for any future opportunities.

I would just like to sincerely thank Amanda and Roz for organising and promoting the presentations and all who attended.  I passionately believe that the topics that I presented are very useful and effective methods in working with clients who behave abusively or violently towards others, especially loved ones.  The compassionate approach is respectful, non-blaming, and non-shaming and very effective in engaging clients who find it difficult to seek help to change their behaviour - the behaviour that makes them feel bad about themselves.

I will attempt to attach some photos of the presentations, I hope you enjoy them.

I am proud of myself for getting out of my own way, stepping out of my comfort zone and growing from this wonderful experience and working through my self-limiting beliefs.

Thank you one and all...

What Motivates Us To Behave a Certain Way?

Have you ever thought about motivation?  What motivates you to behave in a certain way?  What's the motivation for bad behaviour?  It is important to understand behaviours from the level of motivation.

Some questions to ask yourself about problem behaviour:

For Example: If your partner or child lied to you.

The behaviour problem is the lie, but what is the REAL problem?

• What has happened in the relationship that makes it difficult for someone to tell the truth?

• Did the other person think you would not understand?

• Has the other person been punished, criticised, ignored, or shamed by telling the truth in the past?

• Would the other person felt valued, important, and worthy of love by telling the truth?

These are the types of questions you need to ask to find out what lead to the problem behaviour.  If you really want to solve the problem, you have to deal with it at the level of motivation.

This is an opportunity to explore a deeper problem in the relationship.  It usually has something to do with being punished in the past for telling the truth.

With children, you should not punish them for telling the truth about something, but a sanction is appropriate.  You have to give a reward for telling the truth; otherwise you are training your children to lie.  If someone is going to be punished for telling the truth, who is going to do that?

So the real problem is not in telling the lie, but in the failure of emotional connection.

The solution is to understand the motivation of the problem behaviour, which usually has something to do with feelings of hurt.  So how can you and the other person address the problem of hurts and how can we both feel empowered so that no one feels the need to lie to each other?

Counseling can help many people to resolve issues that develop in relationships.  The sooner these issues are addressed, the more easily the problem is resolved.