I would like to congratulate 4 Corners for the professional and respectful way that the program on domestic violence was presented. If more of the media presented positive stories of people seeking help to change abusive and violent behaviour I am confident that more people, especially men, would see that it is possible to change and become abuse free, compassionate, and great role models for their children.

 

I noticed that none of the men who were interviewed seemed to know where their anger was coming from, even after spending 50 weeks or so in a program. They commented about wanting to control their partners as the underlying cause of their abuse, without any apparent insight into why they needed that control.

 

My experience in working with men and women who behave abusively is that the more hurt they feel, the more anger they feel, and this anger is more than likely going to be acted out abusively. Sort of “You made me feel this way, now I am going to make you feel bad too”. From this perspective abuse comes from feeling hurt and unless the person learns skills to regulate these vulnerable emotions it’s going to be difficult or impossible to change them.

 

I don’t believe that the underlying cause of abuse is that men want to control women for the sake of control. I believe that it has more to do with some men feeling very vulnerable, especially in relationships, and that their controlling behaviour is an attempt to feel more secure inside. However, the more they can coerce their partner to do what they want, the more dependent they become on the other person to feel okay, which makes them have an even stronger need to control.

 

The anger regulation program I conduct deals with these issues very effectively by teaching emotional regulation, and relationship and parenting skills that enhance the participants self-esteem, confidence, and compassion for themselves and their family.