How to Select a Long-term Partner?

No matter how strong the physical attraction is.  No matter how wonderful the attraction feels, it is only one aspect of the decision making process in selecting a mate for a long-term relationship.  The more highly aroused you feel the less likely you will be in the right state of mind to make good choices.

 What Does Intimacy Mean?

Intimacy means letting down you barriers, becoming vulnerable, and sharing emotional experiences.  These experiences can be anything really, but you are not protecting yourself against teh other, you feel safe to truly be yourself in the knowledge that the other will not intentionally harm you, either physically or emotionally.

Not only do we expect our partner will not intentionally harm us, we demand it.  That is why we can get so upset when that happens, even if the harm was not intended.  If trust is low or if there has been any hurt in the relationship our brain makes it impossible for us to be intimate.

The Intimacy Test

• Do you want to accept that your partner has thoughts, beliefs, preferences, and feelings that differ from yours?  Can you respect those differences?  Can you cherish you partner despite them?  Can you accept them without trying to change them?

I suspect that after a while most people try to change their partner to be more how they would like them to be.

You may have noticed that this does not work.  People feel loved when they can be accepted just the way they are.  This does not mean that anyone should accept abuse of any kind.  All forms of abuse are totally unacceptable in any relationship.

• Can you disclose anything about yourself, including your deepest thoughts and feelings, without fear of rejection or misunderstanding?

If someone doesn't feel they can disclose without being judged in some way, then they are only going to disclose to you what they think you want to hear.

• Is the message of your relationship, "grow, expand, create, disclose, reveal?"  Or is it, "hide, conceal, think only in certain ways, behave in certain ways, feel only certain things?"  Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells?
• Does this relationship offer both parties optimal growth?  Can you both develop into the greatest persons you can be?

Sign of a Potential Abuser

The red flag of potential abuse: A blamer.  Someone who blames their emotional states or behaviour on someone or something else in dating will eventually turn the blame to you.  It won't happen in the beginning, during the courtship phase, but if your partner is blaming someone, or something for any little thing that goes wrong with them, then they will turn on you.  So blame is a red flag for abuse.

If you were to apply this test initially, then you will have a much better chance of getting into a rewarding long-term relationship.  It is a test that you need to apply to your ongoing relationship, as you are repairing it; it has to pass these tests.

Of course every relationship that you have had and no longer in, has failed this test, unless of cousre they have died, so this test can keep you out of trouble and help you make a better choice as to who will be your long-term partner.