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Compassion Coach newsletter
Emotions
6 January 2009
Emotional Well-Being: How to Take Charge of Your Emotional Well-being
I want to wish you a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year. May all your hopes and dreams come true. What better time then now to take stock and make changes that will enhance your life. One change that will benefit everyone is taking full responsibility for your emotional well-being.
Emotional Categories
Our emotions roughly fall into two categories: Weak Mode (remnants of childhood) and Power Modes. Weak Modes of self are where we sense we are: helpless, dependent, depressive, or destructive. Power Modes of self are where we sense we are: competent, growing and creative, healing and nurturing, and compassionate.
How Emotional States Generate Thoughts and Feelings
Each Mode of self has particular thoughts attached to them which generate certain feelings, and motivate certain types of behaviour. Weak Modes generate negative thoughts and emotions which motivate negative, destructive behaviours. Power Modes generate positive thoughts and emotions which motivate life enhancing behaviours.
We all experience both Modes of self from time to time. We are prone to slipping into Weak Modes when we allow ourselves to get too tired, stressed or over worked. When we are in Weak Modes our lives don't function well, we are operating well below our best, so it's in our best interest to choose to mentally shift ourselves into Power Modes as quickly as possible.
The Laws of Power
The First Law of Power: Ownership
We don't have power over what we don't own. Where are your emotions, in you or in the environment? Powerlessness is when other people or situations own your emotions. Power is when you own them.
The Second Law of Power: Focus
You are powerless when you focus on what you cannot do. Focusing on what you can do makes your experience better.
The Third Law of Power: Acting in your long-term best interest
Power is an internal state that allows you to act in your long-term best interest, regardless of external conditions. Powerlessness is when your reactions to other people's emotions control you. Power is doing what will correct, improve, heal, and make your experience better.
The Forth Law of Power: Self-knowledge
Powerlessness is self-ignorance, reacting on blind emotion and impulse. Power is knowing your emotional and intellectual strengths at any given time.
The Fifth Law of Power: Switching from Weak Mode to Power Mode.
Weak Modes of Self
Are the origins of bad decisions, addictions, compulsions, abuse (of self and others), and FAILURE.
Power Modes of Self
Are when you are focused on your competence, growth, creativity, healing, caring, and being compassionate to yourself and others.
Negative Emotions
Negative emotions are not punishment, they are a signal that something might be wrong or what you are doing in your life is not working and to do something different. Do you know what the definition of insanity is? It's doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
Choices
Life is full of choices. You cannot not make a choice. We are making them moment to moment. Which mode of self would you rather be in, Weak Mode or Power Mode? Do yourself a favour and choose to be in Power Mode as much as possible. If you make this a choice that you focus on in 2009 you will find that your life will be on track more of the time.
The Compassion Anger Management Program
There is a possibility that I could be conducting a 3-day intensive program soon in the Logan area South of Brisbane. I will keep you informed if there is any progress with this. If you would like to express an interest in attending if it goes ahead, please let me know and I will email you if to let you know the details.
As always I have a 12-week online anger management program that is particularly suited to people who live in areas where they do not have access to such programs. Their work commitments make it difficult to attend regular anger management programs, if they can find one at all, or if you don't feel comfortable in groups.
Other Services
I offer a number of other services that will assist your organisation and your workforce. Please click on the links below to find out more or feel free to contact me for more details on any of these services. I am happy to conduct any of these programs anywhere in Australia.
The Compassion Program Training
Please pass this Newsletter along to a friend or colleague. It would be much appreciated.
Once again I wish you and your loved ones all the best for the New Year.
Compassion Coach Newsletter
21 December 2008
Dear Readers,
Another year draws to a close. I would like to wish all my clients and visitors to my website a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Enjoy this time to celebrate with family and friends.
For some people this time of year can be sad and lonely and if this is how it is for you, do your best to manage your thoughts and focus on how you can make your situation a little better for yourself. Nothing stays the same. When one door closes, another opens and it has been my experience that new and better opportunities present themselves if you stay focused.
I have been working for the past year on making my website useful for my visitors by adding more content that I hope can be used to improve their life and relationships. I will endeavour to continue updating the content frequently. If you have any suggestions about topics you would like included please email me and I will do my best to include these suggestions. Please visit my website regularly and send links to anyone whom it may interest.
Our move to Kilcoy has been positive for me and a number of new counselling and related opportunities have come my way which I am finding interesting and enjoyable.
I would appreciate it if you would forward my newsletter to any friends and colleagues, or to anyone who may benefit from my services. If you do email me and I will send you a free eBook.
What to Do About the Holiday Blues
Not everyone shares in the celebration and joy associated with the holidays. Many people feel stressed and unhappy in response to the demands of shopping for gifts, spending large amounts of money, attending parties and family gatherings, and entertaining houseguests. It is not uncommon to react to these stresses with excessive drinking and eating, difficulty sleeping, and physical complaints. The holiday blues are a common result. If you experience reactions like these during the holidays, you are not alone. Let's take a look at what causes the holiday blues and what you can do about them.
What Causes the Holiday Blues?
Fear of disappointing others. Some people fear disappointing their loved ones during the holidays. Even though they can't afford to spend a lot of money on gifts, some people feel so obligated to come through with a fancy gift that they spend more than they can afford.
Expecting gifts to improve relationships. Giving someone a nice present won't necessarily strengthen a friendship or romantic relationship. When your gifts don't produce the reactions you had hoped for, you may feel let down.
Anniversary reactions. If someone important to you passed away or left you during a past holiday season, you may become depressed as the anniversary approaches.
Bad memories. For some families, the holidays are times of chaos and confusion. This is especially true in families where people have substance abuse problems or dysfunctional ways of relating to each other. If this was true in your family in past years, you may always carry memories of the disappointment and upheaval that came with the holidays. Even though things may be better now, it is difficult to forget the times when your holidays were ruined by substance abuse and family dysfunction.
Strategies for Dealing with the Holiday Blues
While the holiday blues are usually temporary, these ideas can help make this year's holiday experience more pleasant and less stressful.
Be realistic. Don't expect the holiday season to solve all past problems. The forced cheerfulness of the holiday season cannot ward off sadness or loneliness.
Drink less alcohol. Even though drinking alcohol gives you a temporary feeling of well-being, it is a depressant and never makes anything better.
Give yourself permission not to feel cheerful. Accept how you are feeling. If you have recently experienced a loss, you can't expect yourself to put on a happy face. Tell others how you are feeling and what you need.
Have a spending limit and stick to it. Look for holiday activities that are free, such as driving around to look at holiday decorations. Go window-shopping without purchasing anything. Look for ways to show people you care without spending a lot.
Be honest. Express your feelings to those around you in a constructive, honest, and open way. If you need to confront someone with a problem, begin your sentences with "I feel."
Look for sources of support. Learn about offerings at churches, and other charity organisations. Many of these have special support groups, workshops, and other activities designed to help people deal with the holiday blues.
Give yourself special care. Schedule times to relax and pamper yourself. Take a warm bath or spend an evening with a good book.
Set limits and priorities. Be realistic about what you will be able to accomplish. Prepare a To-Do list to help you arrange your priorities.
Volunteer your time. If you are troubled because you won't be seeing your family, volunteer to work at a hospital or food bank. Volunteering can help raise your spirits by turning your focus to people who are less fortunate than you are.
Get some exercise. Exercise has a positive impact on depression because it boosts serotonin levels. Try to get some type of exercise at least twice each week.
After the Holidays
For some people, holiday blues continue into the new year. This is often caused by leftover feelings of disappointment during the holiday season and being physically exhausted. The blues also happen for some people because the start of a new year is a time of reflection, which can produce anxiety.
Is It More than Just the Holiday Blues?
Clinical depression is more than just feeling sad for a few weeks. The symptoms generally include changes in appetite and sleep patterns, having less interest in daily activities, difficulty concerntrating, and a general feeling of hopelessness.
Clinical depression requires professional help. If you are concerned that a friend or relative may be suffering from more than just holiday blues, you should express your concerns. If the person expresses thoughts of worthlessness or suicide, it is important to seek the help of a qualified mental health professional.
Compassion Coach Newsletter
18 October 2008
Dear Readers,
Welcome once again to my newsletter. I hope you find it useful.
Assertive Communication: 20 Tips
Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive. But few of us were actually taught how to be assertive. Here are some helpful tips.
1. Choose the right time. Imagine you’re dashing down the hall on your way to a meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, “Can you have the Microsoft project out by Tuesday?” Because you haven’t scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa has no reason to think your request deserves high priority.
2. Choose the right place. Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location.
3. Be direct. For example, “Lisa, I would like you to work overtime on the Microsoft project.” Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she respects you for your directness.
4. Say “I,” not “we.” Instead of saying, “We need the project by Tuesday,” say, “I would like you to finish the project by Tuesday.”
5. Be specific. Instead of, “Put a rush on the Microsoft project,” say, “I would like the Microsoft project finished and on Joe’s desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning.”
6. Use body language to emphasize your words. “Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning,” is an assertive statement. But if you mumble this statement while staring at the floor, you undermine your message.
7. Confirm your request. Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each meeting, ask your group to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes miscommunication.
8. Stand up for yourself. Don’t allow others to take advantage of you; insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: “I was here first,” “I’d like more coffee, please,” “Excuse me, but I have another appointment,” “Please turn down the radio,” or “This steak is well done, but I asked for medium rare.”
9. Learn to be friendly with people you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because you don’t know what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see them.
10. Express your opinions honestly. When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation.
11. Share your experiences and opinions. When you have done something worthwhile, let others know about it.
12. Learn to accept kind words. When someone compliments you, say, “Thank you.”
13. Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation.
14. Don’t get personal. When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the person’s behaviour rather than attacking the person. For example: “Please don’t talk to me that way,” rather than, “What kind of jerk are you?”
15. Use “I” statements when commenting on another’s behaviour. For example: “When you cancel social arrangements at the last minute, it’s extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed.”
16. State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another behaviour. (“I think we’d better sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of problem.”)
17. Look for good examples. Pay attention to assertive people and model your behaviour after theirs.
18. Start slowly. Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations at first; don’t leap into a highly emotional situation until you have more confidence. Most people don’t learn new skills overnight.
19. Reward yourself each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response. Do this regardless of the response from the other person.
20. Don’t put yourself down when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead, identify where you went off course and learn how to improve.
Anger Management Skills
Most people whose anger causes them to behave abusively or aggressively are not generally very assertive. They tend to allow people to treat them badly or to walk all over them until they can’t stand it any more and then behave badly. Learning the skills to manage anger and regulate vulnerable emotions will automatically make you assertive.
Latest Blog Article
I have recently added a new blog called “How to Select a Long-term Partner?”. People often wonder how will they know they’re not going to meet another loser like the last one, or how will they know that they won’t make the same mistakes again? This article will help you decide that.
Claim Your Free Bonus E-book
To gain a free copy of the eBook, “Interpersonal Communication Tips”, simply forward this newsletter to your friends or others who may be interested. Then email denis@compassioncoach.com telling me the number of people you have forwarded it to, and I will send it to you straight away.
That’s it for now,
Warm regards,
Denis Hay
Compassion Coach Newsletter
18 October 2008
Dear Readers,
Welcome once again to my newsletter. I hope you find it useful.
Assertive Communication: 20 Tips
Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive. But few of us were actually taught how to be assertive. Here are some helpful tips.
1. Choose the right time. Imagine you’re dashing down the hall on your way to a meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, “Can you have the Microsoft project out by Tuesday?” Because you haven’t scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa has no reason to think your request deserves high priority.
2. Choose the right place. Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location.
3. Be direct. For example, “Lisa, I would like you to work overtime on the Microsoft project.” Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she respects you for your directness.
4. Say “I,” not “we.” Instead of saying, “We need the project by Tuesday,” say, “I would like you to finish the project by Tuesday.”
5. Be specific. Instead of, “Put a rush on the Microsoft project,” say, “I would like the Microsoft project finished and on Joe’s desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning.”
6. Use body language to emphasize your words. “Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning,” is an assertive statement. But if you mumble this statement while staring at the floor, you undermine your message.
7. Confirm your request. Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each meeting, ask your group to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes miscommunication.
8. Stand up for yourself. Don’t allow others to take advantage of you; insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: “I was here first,” “I’d like more coffee, please,” “Excuse me, but I have another appointment,” “Please turn down the radio,” or “This steak is well done, but I asked for medium rare.”
9. Learn to be friendly with people you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because you don’t know what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see them.
10. Express your opinions honestly. When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation.
11. Share your experiences and opinions. When you have done something worthwhile, let others know about it.
12. Learn to accept kind words. When someone compliments you, say, “Thank you.”
13. Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation.
14. Don’t get personal. When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the person’s behaviour rather than attacking the person. For example: “Please don’t talk to me that way,” rather than, “What kind of jerk are you?”
15. Use “I” statements when commenting on another’s behaviour. For example: “When you cancel social arrangements at the last minute, it’s extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed.”
16. State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another behaviour. (“I think we’d better sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of problem.”)
17. Look for good examples. Pay attention to assertive people and model your behaviour after theirs.
18. Start slowly. Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations at first; don’t leap into a highly emotional situation until you have more confidence. Most people don’t learn new skills overnight.
19. Reward yourself each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response. Do this regardless of the response from the other person.
20. Don’t put yourself down when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead, identify where you went off course and learn how to improve.
Anger Management Skills
Most people whose anger causes them to behave abusively or aggressively are not generally very assertive. They tend to allow people to treat them badly or to walk all over them until they can’t stand it any more and then behave badly. Learning the skills to manage anger and regulate vulnerable emotions will automatically make you assertive.
Latest Blog Article
I have recently added a new blog called “How to Select a Long-term Partner?”. People often wonder how will they know they’re not going to meet another loser like the last one, or how will they know that they won’t make the same mistakes again? This article will help you decide that.
Claim Your Free Bonus E-book
To gain a free copy of the eBook, “Interpersonal Communication Tips”, simply forward this newsletter to your friends or others who may be interested. Then email denis@compassioncoach.com telling me the number of people you have forwarded it to, and I will send it to you straight away.
That’s it for now,
Warm regards,
Denis Hay
Newsletter No: 2
26 August 2008
Dear Readers,
Welcome to my newsletter. My partner and I finally made it to Kilcoy, but it took about another 5 or 6 weeks to get our phone connected, re-establish our ADSL broadband, and get our VoIP phone system to work. All in all a very challenging experience.
In my last newsletter I said if you forwarded my newsletter on to friends or colleagues I would email you a free eBook. I don’t think the email address worked, so sorry for that. The offer still stands. I would appreciate you forwarding this newsletter to anyone you think would be interested. When you do, email me at: denis@compassioncoach.com telling me the number of people you have forwarded it to, and I will send a free eBook to you straight away. Enter in the Subject of the email: Free eBook.
Today’s newsletter is about assertive communication. I hope you find it useful.
Assertive Communication: 20 Tips.
Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive. But few of us were actually taught how to be assertive. Here are some helpful tips.
1. Choose the right time. Imagine you’re dashing down the hall on your way to a meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, “Can you have the Microsoft project out by Tuesday?” Because you haven’t scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa has no reason to think your request deserves high priority.
2. Choose the right place. Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location.
3. Be direct. For example, “Lisa, I would like you to work overtime on the Microsoft project.” Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she respects you for your directness.
4. Say “I,” not “we.” Instead of saying, “We need the project by Tuesday,” say, “I would like you to finish the project by Tuesday.”
5. Be specific. Instead of, “Put a rush on the Microsoft project,” say, “I would like the Microsoft project finished and on Joe’s desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning.”
6. Use body language to emphasize your words. “Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning,” is an assertive statement. But if you mumble this statement while staring at the floor, you undermine your message.
7. Confirm your request. Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each meeting, ask your group to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes miscommunication.
8. Stand up for yourself. Don’t allow others to take advantage of you; insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: “I was here first,” “I’d like more coffee, please,” “Excuse me, but I have another appointment,” “Please turn down the radio,” or “This steak is well done, but I asked for medium rare.”
9. Learn to be friendly with people you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because you don’t know what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see them.
10. Express your opinions honestly. When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation.
11. Share your experiences and opinions. When you have done something worthwhile, let others know about it.
12. Learn to accept kind words. When someone compliments you, say, “Thank you.”
13. Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation.
14. Don’t get personal. When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the person’s behaviour rather than attacking the person. For example: “Please don’t talk to me that way,” rather than, “What kind of jerk are you?”
15. Use “I” statements when commenting on another’s behaviour. For example: “When you cancel social arrangements at the last minute, it’s extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed.”
16. State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another behaviour. (“I think we’d better sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of problem.”)
17. Look for good examples. Pay attention to assertive people and model your behaviour after theirs.
18. Start slowly. Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations at first; don’t leap into a highly emotional situation until you have more confidence. Most people don’t learn new skills overnight.
19. Reward yourself each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response. Do this regardless of the response from the other person.
20. Don’t put yourself down when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead, identify where you went off course and learn how to improve.
I have just added new content to my blog called “The Dark Side of Dad”. Also two new Articles have been added: http://www.compassioncoach.com/how_to_relax and http://www.compassioncoach.com/stress
My Anger Management Program is highly successful in changing inappropriate angry behaviour. It is also great for your ongoing good health, relationship improvement, increased parenting skills, and self-esteem.
All the best until next time
Warm regards,
Denis Hay
Newsletter No 1
10 May 2008
Dear Readers,
Welcome to my first newsletter, it’s been a long time coming. If you have not already downloaded the FREE 104 page eBook “How to Communicate More Cooperatively” I invite you to do so. It is an excellent eBook that I believe you would find extremely beneficial if the skills are applied to your daily life. You are also very welcome to send a link to anyone who you think would like a copy.
I will be changing my address from Warwick to Kilcoy in about two weeks time which puts me a bit closer to potential clients and as an added bonus I will be closer to my sons and my granddaughter Siani. My partner will be closer to her daughters and grandchildren also.
I will give you my new contact details in my next newsletter.
Anger Management Classes
If you are experiencing issues with anger or domestic violence, either receiving or doing this sort of behaviour I would encourage you to register for my anger management class. This program has a high success rate if you apply the skills taught.
This anger management program is different to other programs currently used. It locates the cause of abusive behaviour. Many people use anger to avoid feeling the painful emotions of shame and distress, which can be experienced as feeling disregarded, devalued, rejected, powerless, unimportant, accused, guilty, or unlovable.
These painful labels are called “Core Hurts”. A healing technique is used to restructure these hurts by improving the person’s capacity to regulate their own emotions and to stimulate compassion and empathy. Techniques designed to disrupt the person’s violent emotional response to guilt, shame and fear of abandonment are taught.
The program is non-blaming and non-shaming. It is designed to significantly increase participants’ emotional intelligence and in turn to regulate their emotions in ways that are in their long-term best interest and the long-term best interest of their loved ones.
The program has been well received by participants, even those who have been mandated to attend by the courts.
Latest Free Article
I have recently added a new article called “How to Relax”. For many people increasing stress is a growing problem that need to be monitored and kept at manageable levels. This article with links to a few audio relaxation mp3 techniques could be helpful.
Claim Your Bonus E-book
To gain a copy of the eBook, Have A Laugh On Us, simply forward this email onto others who may be interested. Then email havealaugh@compassioncoach.com telling me the number of people you have forwarded it to, and I will send it to you straight away.
That’s it for now,
Warm regards,
Denis Hay
